Our boys are 3 years, 9 months-old!

A few months back, I had an interesting realization that for so long I had hoped for my clingy, mommy-loving boys to set me free and not want to be held so much. Well, at some point that happened, it just took me awhile to realize we had reached that point and were not going back. Now we are experiencing some of that loud, rambunctious boy stage I had thought would arrive much sooner. And, as you can imagine, I have a greater appreciation for the mommy-hold-me stage now that I’m not stuck in it. But, the independence they’re displaying has allowed us to see their personalities emerge even more.

Here’s what’s going on for our three boys:

Thomas has demonstrated perseverance in some nice ways. He worked on an art project at school for 45 minutes! He often does the same thing at home. He takes great pride in his work, especially if it involves art and creating. He also thinks of others and wants to send them his art and have it displayed. Relationships continue to be important to Thomas. He likes to consider his role in things, whether it be getting others to laugh or pointing out the behaviors of others (aka “tattling”). I’ve also seen him give in to another person’s needs or desires, which displays his empathy. Unless he is engrossed in a specific project, he tends to be wherever the action is. Thomas also likes to be at the center of conversations. It’s harder for him to share conversation time than it is toys and objects. It relates to his pattern of unrestrained expressiveness. He is physical, too. He likes to express himself with hugs and affection (and foot stomping!) and he also likes aggressive, wrestling-type play. Yet, Thomas and Ellie play “baby” a lot, which leads Thomas to want to dress like a baby, eat like a baby, and wonder about how a baby would act.

Jack has turned into my little buddy. He’s developed a pattern of whining when he cannot get my attention and asking me to do things for him that he can do himself. There are some things we need to work on in this department, but also I realized my presence seems to calm some social discomfort he experiences. He doesn’t particularly like to be in a group with others, but I don’t think he wants to necessarily be alone, either. He wants my company a lot. I think I am safe to him, whereas his siblings and friends are not predictable or reliable. On a regular basis, he has been telling me that he doesn’t want to go to school. He cannot tell me why, but I think the environment stretches him out of his comfort zone. I feel torn each time between sending him no matter what and wanting to keep him home with me indefinitely. Because Jack is a child that hides his emotions, including his happiness, I keep searching for that one thing that will make him happy without fail. My prayer for Jack is that he will gain confidence. He’s a smart, sweet boy. He simply doesn’t see himself with the maturity and capability that he truly possesses. My favorite moments with Jack, recently, have been when he hugs me at night. He’s not a naturally affectionate child. But, when he tells me goodnight, he squeezes me so tightly. It’s a very tender moment. His obsession these days is building structures for parking, displaying, or organizing his cars. His affinity for order and lining things up is unchanging. Yet, it’s good to see he can find some creative ways to expand his play within his preferences.

James is one goofy kid. His mysteriousness to me only increases with each day. He can say profound things, be incredibly sweet and thoughtful, be wild and crazy, yell and scream with stubbornness, and fall and noticeably injure himself all within one hour. I’ve learned to be grateful for each good moment and hold on to the hope that the negative ones will quickly pass. About the only predictable thing is his love for sports. He amazes us how quickly he takes to baseball, basketball, football, and soccer and can demonstrate good form and skill without much coaching. If only he had a constant companion who wanted to play these things with him, I think he’d be content at all times. James continues to do well in his own room and loves to entertain himself with books. He wouldn’t do this while rooming with his brothers, so I enjoy seeing him entertain himself. It’s greatly improved my relationship with him now that his sleeping habits (or lack their of) are not interfering with the entire household’s. He and I enjoy sweet moments in the morning when he gets up before the others and he tells me a story or asks a thoughtful question. It sets our day together with the right tone.
We started a “job jar” a few weeks ago where each child selects a job to be assigned for a given week. These are tasks beyond their chores or personal responsibility-type jobs. These are extras that serve me and the greater household. James takes great pride in his duty and he did his table-washing job with great thoroughness and patience, which surprises me since he’s not ordinarily very obedient or interested in following directions. Since he can be primarily interested in himself (after all, he’s three!), it’s nice to give him an outlet for serving and being considerate of others.

Beach Trip 2013

We had the opportunity to travel to Florida again for Spring Break. The school calendar varies year to year, but I’d sure love it if they’d always have Spring Break the week after Easter (like this year) instead of Holy Week.

This is the first time we’ve taken a vacation just the six of us, except for our CO road trip, which definitely does not qualify as a vacation. Typically, we include friends or family on our trips, which has also provided necessary help before now. We truly enjoy it when we see family on trips, but we also had an interesting realization of this being our first solo experience and we need to do it regularly. The change of pace and scenery makes for some very special memories. Without added hands around, we are also spending more time all together, instead of dividing and conquering.

This has been a very memorable trip for Ellie. She had previously learned to swim by herself, but she wasn’t confident. Spending several hours a day in the pool has helped her to be comfortable and to try new things. She can sit on the bottom of the pool, fetch diving rings from the bottom, and swim across the pool with greater ease. She’s working on handstands and summersaults now. Most of the fears of water in her eyes, nose, and mouth are gone. One day, we spent several hours before and after lunch at the pool. Then, when we got back to the house, she immediately spent two more hours in the spool (large hot tub/pool). She’d just jump and swim from one side to the other. We had to drag her out. We keep an eye on her, but it’s a great relief to know she really doesn’t even need our supervision or entertaining.

Ellie also has taken to the bike. We’ve had a hard time teaching her to ride a bike because she’s a timid child, our neighborhood in Charlotte is very hilly, and we usually don’t have attention to devote solely to her and the endeavor. So, the beach was the perfect environment to get over the hurdle. One, it’s perfectly flat. Two, we have more time between Wes and I to help her, and third, we put her on a smaller bike, which allows her to put her feet on the ground more easily. The first day, I worked with her for ten minutes and she was ready to stop, even though nothing catastrophic happened. Wes promised her that if she could ride all the way to the ice cream shop (about 3/4 mile on a bike path) by the end of the week, then he’d take her for ice cream. The next day, she woke up asking for ice cream at breakfast. By early afternoon, she was riding back and forth on the street. She immediately said, “I’m ready for ice cream.” So, on only day 2 off they went….so much for it taking a whole week. Ironically, she chose Rocky Road ice cream, which she’d never had before. She rode the long way back, covering 2.5 miles total. We now need to keep this up and get her confident in hilly Charlotte. Plus, she wants to do the kids’ triathlon this summer, but six-year-olds have to ride independently. Selfishly, Wes and I have wanted her to be able ride so she can come along when we run. We may be more excited than she is about this.

James, Jack, and Thomas have had a fun week, too. They haven’t cried or been unhappy much, but they (most notably, Jack) are not too excited about the pool (so much for the time we spent this winter on swim lessons). Yet, they will just happily sit on the side and watch and laugh at other kids’ play. It bothers me they want to merely spectate, but at least they are not complaining. They do love to dig in the sand. We’ve had a few altercations with them knocking over each others’ castles and creations. They don’t care so much for the ocean. Frankly, the water is too cold for me, so I’m not much help. They also seem terrified of the waves. We are very mean, but when we need a good laugh, we wait until they get to the water’s edge with a big wave approaching and say, “The water’s going to get you!” The screams and lightning fast sprints toward home (by Thomas) are hilarious. Likewise, they are spooked by the little crabs in the dirt and (James) will scurry quickly if we tell them the crabs are going to get them. If we keep this up, maybe they’ll be scarred for life! They adore riding around in the golf cart and they spent an hour watching kayakers (even watching them clean and store the kayaks).

Can we stay here forever?!

International Boy of Mystery

James truly is a bit of a mystery. I am constantly reminded of what an easy baby he was and how his first year of life is distinct from the years since. If his first year of life was any indication of how the rest of his life would go, it would have been easy for all who knew him then to assume he’d be a friendly, laid back guy. Yet, that is not how we would describe him—at least at home—now. He typically gets quite angry and yells a lot when things don’t go his way. He seems to want to be in control and get his way. He rarely gets either of these things because there are a lot of factors in a family of six that he does not get to control. And, frankly, we are just not the type of parents that give in easily.

So, what’s the mystery? Well, the James Wes and I know is very different from the James others see. He is routinely described as kind, quiet, agreeable, soft-spoken, and sweet. Both his teacher last year and this year seem to have a soft spot for James (of course, being the professionals they are, they don’t say that, but it just seems apparent he wins over their hearts easily). Here are a few recent mysterious observations:

1) We moved James into his own room to solve our bedtime problems. He wasn’t necessarily the problem, but his absence from the triplet room has been the solution. He is the earliest riser, so he was waking everyone up in the morning. And, the others kept him up late at night and he is quick to jump on the bandwagon of making a nighttime ruckus. To make the change seem like a reward and not a punishment, James gets to come out and play a little earlier than the other boys. He usually gets 1:1 time with one us. He is so sweet during this time and has a lot to say. A few minutes later, when the whole house is up, he starts his fits of rage about his cereal or whatever he is focused on that day. The quiet and sweet boy from the few minutes prior is gone once the “brothers” are out in full force.

2) We routinely see a woman asking for money at a stoplight near our house. The boys ask a lot about her. One day I asked each of the boys whether they would give her money if I gave them money they could share. Both Jack and Thomas said they would not. James was quick to reply that he would give her the money so that she could buy food (and we had not previously discussed why she might need the money). Sometimes his sweetness comes out of nowhere.

3) The final example, is the impetus for this post: His teacher sent home the simplest note today: “We just love James’ sweet voice. Just wanted to share that!” This was very thoughtful and somewhat startling, just because I have sounds of James yelling and demanding so permanently imprinted on my brain. Her little note was a real blessing to me.

Someone recently told me that it’s important to focus more on your child’s heart than his behavior. I’m working on that. James challenges me in a unique way, but he also has a unique sensitivity to him that I need to look for and embrace. I’m working to see James as others see him. I think our children become what we expect them to become. I need to raise my expectations. For his sake. For my sake.

Ellie’s 6th Birthday Letter

February 27, 2013

Sweet Ellie Girl,

Today you are six! You’re now at an age where your lifelong memories begin. We hope your recollection of this time will be as precious to you as it is to us.

From our point of view, you’re at an age where it’s so fun to be around you. That’s not to say the years prior have not been great, but we feel like we are forming a real relationship with you now. We have wonderful discussions, lots of things to share and learn, and just a ton of fun (like beating Daddy in Checkers). You’re easy to get along with and quite agreeable. The reality is that the more we enjoy sharing this stage of life with you, there’s simply less time to share together. Thomas, James, and Jack are well aware of this, too, as your schedule is no longer linked to theirs. They often ask about you when they miss you at breakfast or wonder about your bus and your teacher and friends. In reverse, you’ve commented that you don’t know most of their friends and you forget which days they attend school or have certain activities because you no longer share in–or are affected by–those details.

Beginning Kindergarten was by far the biggest change in the last year. It’s been easier for you than for us, in many ways. You’ve taken everything in stride. School comes easily to you and you have a love of learning. It’s fascinating to watch you apply concepts from the classroom in everyday life. As a family, we enjoy reading together, doing math problems, and seeing how exploring and thinking through situations can be fun. You don’t seem to mind too much that there are a lot of rules at school; it seems to fit your personality. You’re starting to become more social, as it usually takes you some time to get comfortable in new environments. Occasionally this new-found sociability will get you in trouble, but we are pleased that you’re feeling more comfortable getting to know people at lunch, on the playground, and on the bus (your highlight of the day). You’re well aware of who is generally behaving well in your class and who is not. You’ve chosen to coach a few of the kids who need to improve (as well as your brothers and even Mommy), which often seems to be a direct and less sensitive approach. Still, you have a sincere heart and genuinely want what’s best for people. I have to wonder if our world wouldn’t be a little better if we all spoke with the sincere directness you have.

We have had to be more intentional about fostering your faith development since you are in a secular school environment and since you have a lot more time and influences outside of our home. However, we’re excited to see how you continue to grow and have a sincere heart and understanding of your faith; it doesn’t seem like you believe out of a place of innocence or naïveté, but rather out of a sincere conviction and relationship. You’ve shared that the works of Jesus and your experience of God’s love for us are central truths in your life. Your theology is strong and your questions are convicting and enlightening. For example, you have helped Daddy better understand why God would have put the tree in the garden in the first place. We hope we are helping to build a foundation of faith in your life that will sustain you through trials that await you.

There are a few stories to share with you, that maybe you’ll remember long after now, too. One, was the disastrous day of shopping for a dress to the Daddy-Daughter dance. You were very sad that you couldn’t find what you wanted and Mom was very frustrated that you were being very particular. You know what you want and you are not used to not getting it (this is not so much a statement about needing more stuff as it is about your determination and striving). Second, you’ve had a recent interest with starting a store. You want to build a store to sell food we make and you’ve spent some time brainstorming and researching how it could happen. When you and Daddy went the library, you found a comfy corner on a beanbag chair and read a book called How to Build a House. You made Dad bring this book home so you could do more research on building the store. Finally, you recently started writing about “How to Make Boys Sick,” and the first thing on the list was poison ivy. The next day you came to Mommy asking her where you could get some poison ivy, but you’re very secretive about it and don’t want to discuss with us what you’re dreaming up with your friends. We’re trying to decide how much freedom to give you.

An ongoing growing area for all of us is family dynamics. You tend toward more “parenting” roles in our home. Your pretend play is often as “mom” to “Baby” (Thomas). Even when you are not pretending, you want to advise and coach all of us. You’ve also been argumentative and disrespectful in your tone toward us. All of this seems developmentally appropriate as you find your role and your voice. We’re learning, failing, and growing together.

We consider each day with you a blessing. Most nights after we put you to bed (following a special reading time with Mom–our little thing together), Daddy and Mommy share stories of something funny or brilliant you said or did that day. We’re amazed by you. Much of who you are is beyond our strivings and capabilities. God’s done incredible works in you and our family. We’re grateful we get to share in them together.

Much love to you today–and every day,
Mom and Dad (or are we still Mommy and Daddy to you?!?!?)

Ellie’s Build-a-Band Birthday Party

Ellie asked for a music-themed party for her 6th Birthday. We eventually came up with the idea of having the girls create their own instruments from materials they gathered from a scavenger hunt, perform a song, and then watch the video of the song. It was a really sweet time with a great group of girls!

Decorating cupcakes:

Their main and most enjoyable task:

Out scavenging:

Mission accomplished: Rachel, Ann Davis, Mackenzie, Ava, Meg, Ellie, and Anna

The “Singing Everyday Rock-n-Roll” Band performing “Old MacDonald Had a Band”

Let them eat cake:

Simple fun on a gorgeous day. Happy Birthday, Ellie!

School report

Ellie received her second report card last week and continues to excel in school. It’s clear she’s learning and growing well, despite coming in at an advanced level. It’s reassuring that her teacher is attuned to her areas of growth and finding ways to challenge her. Ellie continues to enjoy school and has little complaints about it.

Jack, James, and Thomas just had their preschool conferences. Wes and I were relieved and pleasantly surprised in many ways. It’s easy for us to get caught up in the day to day details and miss the bigger picture of what they’re doing and how they’re behaving. We were quite happy to learn that the boys are all bright, kind, respectful, and a joy to have in class. They clearly have their teachers fooled! It was funny, however, that some of the teachers’ observations were the complete OPPOSITE of how they behave at home. Those of you who follow the blog closely or know our boys well, will find some of these comments funny, too:

The teacher finds James to be extremely kind; he routinely gives up his toy if someone else wants it and he looks out for others. He loves all the different activities and centers in the classroom and engages in a variety of activities. I assure you that the following quote from his teacher are words nobody else has used to describe him: “a wonderful, loving, and gentle soul.” I’ve thought a lot about James today and wondered why I have a more negative perception of him. I’m blessed by this feedback from the teacher, as I think it liberates me and challenges me to love him with more grace.

Most of what the teacher reported about Thomas is consistent with what happens at home. His enthusiasm and eagerness stand out. What was surprising was her report that he is quiet. Thomas literally never stops talking at home. The teacher described Thomas as sweet, bright, sociable with lots of children, able to play rough and tumble and also sit attentively when required, and a quick and enthusiastic learner.

We spent a larger chunk of our time discussing Jack. Jack’s just a bit quirky in ways both positive and a little less so. The teacher reported that he enjoys manipulatives, puzzles, trucks, cars, and science or math activities. He’s also very talkative and inquisitive, and she said he frequently asks “why?” Her opinion that he’s a little delayed socially and emotionally was helpful. He seems to be functioning in these areas a few months behind his peers (and his brothers, in particular), which is probably why he seems a bit challenging to figure out at times. The sense is that he’ll catch up and figure it out on his own by grade school, but that for now, we’re just going to see him as a bit different from his brothers in some aspects of his development. At the same time, he’s quite bright and does well cognitively, so our work in speech therapy and in social skills are going to be most valuable. The following statement from the teacher was most poignant to me: “Jack loves to play with the guys (meaning his brothers and several other boys) and tries hard to keep up.” This tugs at my heart because I sense in it that he must feel a little discouraged and frustrated by all he wants to do and just can’t right now. He’s particular and perfectionistic and, as his mom, I just want to make things easy for him and give him opportunities to feel successful. It’s all minor stuff, but I want to be cognizant of what we can do to help him so that he can fully participate when he wants to and not feel like an observer or outsider.

Overall, we are extremely grateful and pleased and we have a lot to cherish. We try hard to do the best we can as their parents and we don’t often get much feedback that our work is paying off. Though much of these positive stories and attributes are well beyond anything we can take credit for, it’s still validating and encouraging to have a teacher’s perspective.

3×3.5

Three-and-a-half seems kind of old, doesn’t it?

Wes often remarks that triplet parenting is “efficient” parenting. Lately, I’m starting to feel it’s just ineffective. As they become less physically challenging (their basic needs are less demanding), they become more mentally exhausting (behavior and discipline). And, I think the mental stuff cannot be done efficiently, but rather it needs to be done intentionally and individually. I often think maybe I’m the one that should be going to preschool, just to learn a thing or two about managing several three-year-olds well. Our primary parenting tasks and challenges have been working on manners and conversational skills. It feels like we are constantly teaching them to not interrupt, to take turns in conversation, to use softer voices, and to say things only once and wait for someone to reply. Dinnertime and car rides are brutal lately. We’re also reminding them often to use their “walking feet,” stay in a straight line, and to hold hands. We are quite a spectacle around town.

Since I’m on a more negative streak, let me finish my frustrations and then move on the to the fun stuff. The three little monkeys in their beds each night are very maddening. This is probably the first time we’ve truly faced marital conflict about an ongoing parenting issue. One of us insists that the less intervention the better so that they will learn to regulate themselves over time. The other one feels that rules need to be firm and punishment swift. Regardless of who’s right, the evenings are loud and restless and we’re all looking for a bit more peace in the evening hours.

Though any given moment is frustrating, our overall family life is fun. The boys are very much into Curious George (“Monkey George” as they call him) books and James likes to memorize lines from the stories. I think James is the “good little monkey, but always very curious.” Our children have very little exposure to television and to characters and themes, but they have some sense of superheroes. Batman, Superman, and Spiderman come up in conversation, as do words like “bad guy.” Thomas invented his own superhero name, which I cannot completely recall, but which resembled ThomasBatmanSpidermanWinniethePoohAwesome. Certain times we see how much the boys appreciate having one another. In particular, when they engage in pretend play, they typically have willing participants in one another and they understand the same concepts, so they come up with something that makes all of them happy. Over Christmas, the Mary and Joseph reenactments were priceless. Recently, they’ve pretended to be pilots, firemen, and construction workers. If Ellie is around, it’s usually some of sort of “mommy” and “baby” play.

We did some daily devotions during Advent, and the boys have asked for us to continue reading the Bible to them daily ever since Christmas. They’ve also instituted bedtime prayers. My favorite is when they pray that they would stay in their beds, as if they just know they couldn’t possibly do it on their own volition. In case you’re wondering, it hasn’t seemed to help. Their spiritual interest reinforces the idea that children at this age are fairly agreeable and will adapt to what they’re exposed to. I’ve seen this with food preferences and media, too. I wonder how many things–broadly speaking–I’ve not given them full exposure to by falsely assuming they wouldn’t like it.

Speaking of exposure, the boys have started swim lessons. I am determined to have all of my kids in the pool this summer without fear. I’m sure it will be some time before they are safe and independent in the water, but just being willing to get IN the water will be major progress. So far, it’s gone pretty well. James hates it and cries much of the time. He has some fear issues. Jack and Thomas seem to have fun and I’m glad we are giving it a try.

Here are some more individualized reflections:

JAMES: I’m happy to report we’ve turned a little bit of a corner. I think Wes had a talking with James while Ellie and I were in CO. Since we’ve returned, I’ve noticed a conscious effort on James’ part to be kind. He’s been offering me hugs, thanking me more, and he’s not needing his ticket system we instituted in the fall. James continues to be independent, such as buckling the car seat and getting dressed. Ironically, he’s the slowest with bathroom independence. James has had no more major falls or stitches since the summer. He loves to be outside and he claims the only sport he wants to play is football.

JACK: Jack has some definite particularities. I think they bother Wes more than me, simply because I’m a bit more particular myself. He’s taken to crying when others take out a lot of toys and says, “It’s a big mess.” He is our most rule-governed and directions-following son, so I’m not sure if the mess truly bothers him in an OCD-kind-of-way or if he’s just afraid he’s going to get stuck cleaning up more than his fair share of the mess. Both are probably true to an extent. His whining is an ongoing challenge. I think he finally understands what whining is and that we are trying to get him to stop. Since he’s started speech therapy, I’m hoping it will all come together to get him to express himself in more clear and positive ways. Jack and James like to ride around together on their bikes. In his solo time, Jack can often be found building with Legos or Magformers, and it usually has something to do with cars and trucks. He recently built a garage for his trucks. There’s some intelligent processing going on with all of it, but I have to admit I’m out of my league.

THOMAS: How many times have I said something about Thomas being emotional? Nothing’s changed. From incredible laughter to fits of rage (complete with some remarkable foot stomping action), we see it all with him. He’s the most affected by the rowdiness at bedtime and often complains of being tired. He also seems sensitive to being hungry. I’m sure these play a part, but there is clearly something about the way he’s wired. For several months, he’s had an issue with crying when being left at church or school. We don’t say much about it, but he often reports back on whether he smiled or cried. “I not cry this time” is common. Thomas LOVES coloring. He wants to do some kind of coloring activity each afternoon. His signature style is to color every square inch of the paper in clusters of color. It’s quite impressive. I also give him credit for being adventurous in his eating lately, enjoying vegetables and salads. Thomas is a sucker for attention and loves to show off what he knows, particularly by spelling his name or being the first to recall a story or respond to a question.